Cows are the root of all evil...

I learnt this at the age of three, standing in a muddy field, staring at the large farmyard creature stood before me. I looked on in wonderment, awestruck by this huge, grass chewing giant, wondering if it would be kind enough to let me stroke it. Tentatively, I let go of my parents' caring hands, taking my first steps to a new, bovine discovery. And then a terrible thing happened, a thing that made me realise that cows were sent from an unknown, slightly fusty smelling alien world TO DESTROY US.

The cow did a wee.

Now, I'm not talking a little tinkle. No, I am talking a full powered, splash back-ing, crater making, mud churning heffer of a urination. My three year old self froze on the spot, eyes wide at the horror unfolding before me. My parents ran forward to pull me out of splash-back range and the full impact of what had happened hit me; I don't think I stopped crying for a week. "Trauma" doesn't even come close.

The moral of the story is; if a cow simply urinating is enough to traumatise a person for life, then they are a species we should not be messing with. If cows are capable of using urination to psychologically mame and scar, then there is no doubt that they are capable of much, much worse. To be prepared for when the cows do turn on us, I have created a list of possible methods of attack that cows could use, or might already be using to bring down the human race.

Possible Methods of Bovinal attack;

• The slow introduction of poison into their milk. The poison will only affect humans; no other species will experience any negative effects. (I believe the cows have already began this regieme. We humans are in denial and refer to it as 'Lactose intolerance')
• Mass stampedes
• Mass methane production. (will eventually polute the planet and we will all DIE.)
• Mind control

So people; be wary, approach farm yards and rural areas with caution, and above all; NEVER STAND NEAR A COW WHEN IT IS WEEING- It does bad things for the psyche.