Did you miss me? Did you?

Here is a list of reasons why I haven't posted for a while. They may or may not be true.

• I was attacked by a feral cat. It lacerated two of my fingers, rendering me incapable of typing. 
• I went on holiday. It was HOT. I got home. I got lazy.  I didn't blog.  
• Someone dared me to eat seagull poo. They said they would give me two hundred pounds if I did it; I did it. £200 = MASSIVE SUCCESS! Vomiting for 6 whole weeks= minor inconvenience. 
• I developed a highly annoying, extroverted, "look at me!" personality. I decided to audition for the X factor and successfully made it through to boot camp, where my hideous past of gang crime was revealed and plastered all over the daily mirror. While the Mirror, the X factor and the public generally disapprove of my past, I am considered a demi-god amongst my gang peers. 
• I went on the Jeremy Kyle show. And ate Jeremy Kyle. 

Sorry this is a rubbish post; my aim was purely to certify that I am still alive. I will post something infinitely more cool soon. Well... maybe not infinitely cool; that's aiming too high. I'll settle for mildly interesting. Maybe I'll write about this:

I am NOT as cute as I look.